Author Topic: Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Complicated Threesome  (Read 1258 times)

Offline Reginald Hudlin

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Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Complicated Threesome
« on: March 27, 2015, 11:19:36 am »
Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Complicated Threesome
by Dan Savage • Mar 26, 2015 at 6:06 pm
   
I hope I can get your opinion on my current situation.

I'll try to be as concise as possible. I'm a 26-year-old woman. Three years ago, I had a three-way with my 35-year-old fiancé and this nice girl he knew from high school. Let's call him "Bob" and her "Sally." The condom broke and Sally wound up pregnant despite using Plan B. Sally gave birth to a girl. For the first two years of the baby's life, Sally would NOT allow Bob to see the baby or be involved in any way. (She's Christian and she was embarrassed about conceiving during a three-way.)

Lately, Sally and Bob have been talking and now Sally is allowing Bob to see his daughter. I know there's no one to blame for this—the condom was used correctly but failed—but I'm still having kind of a hard time with it. Bob and I were planning on doing this (having a baby) for the first time with each other one day. Now i'm suddenly a stepmom. Bob has been seeing his daughter pretty frequently since Sally has been in contact with us. He's always so excited, so I feel I can't say anything about how bummed it makes me.

Any advice or thoughts you may have would be great. Is it wrong that my heart is breaking? I feel so selfish that I'm still somewhat skeptical of Sally's motives. I'm open to being disproven, but this is still pretty out of the blue.

Stepped On


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Your fiancé has a daughter, SO, and you're going to have to reconcile yourself to that fact—for your own good, for the good of your relationship, and for the good of a little girl who needs the adults in her life to stop acting like idiots. As for Bob and Sally...

If Bob isn't paying child support, he needs to start. If Bob hasn't talked to a lawyer about his legally enforceable rights as a parent, he needs to talk to a lawyer. No one can force Sally to seek professional help—preventing a child from seeing her father because you're embarrassed about the particulars of the conception is pretty f*cked up*—but she definitely needs to see a f*cking shrink. And if Sally tries to cut off contact between Bob and his daughter again, Bob needs to take her to court.

Circling back to you: You've had two years to grieve over the doing-this-for-the-first-time-with-each-other thing, SO, but you avoided grieving because your fiancé's child was out of sight, out of mind. Now that kid is in sight and you're just going to have to let go of that dream. What's done is done and cannot be undone. I'm not going to tell you it's wrong to feel as if your heart is breaking—go ahead and feel your feelings—but you should try to keep this particular heartbreak in perspective. No one is dead, you haven't been dumped, and there's nothing preventing you and Bob from having kids together in the future. Make up your mind to love this kid to the best of your ability, resolve to be the best stepmom you can be, stop speculating about Sally's motives, and get on with your life.

* Exceptions: Child's father was/is a rapist, child's father was/is abusive, one or two more reasons that I've probably overlooked.