Here's a review (well, really a critique of the whole PRECIOUS phenomenon without actually seeing the film) by the always hilarious Byron Crawford:
November 24, 2009
Where should I see Precious?
Because I'm constitutionally incapable of trying hard, I live about equal difference from both white and black movie theaters. Where should I go see Precious?
I usually try not to support anything associated with either Oprah Winfrey or Tyler Perry, and Precious is somehow associated with both of them. But I knew I'd have to see it, when I read in Armond White's much-discussed review of the film that it includes a scene where the title character steals and eats an entire bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Lee Daniels, the teh ghey coke-sniffer who directed Precious, is obviously just a troll, out to shock people. Like a black, less talented Lars von Trier. Daniels is the same guy who brought us Halle Berry's Oscar-winning turn in Monster's Ball - and god bless him for it!
Seeing Precious in a theater full of black people would be sweet, because you know black people aren't gonna shut the f*ck up during a movie, and this might be the rare occasion when the unwarranted call and response actually adds to the experience. Like at a horror movie. It's not like I need to concentrate on the subtle themes and visual motifs. One time I made the mistake of seeing Dreamgirls at a white theater (two mistakes, really), and the only three black women there kept standing up and clapping every time Jennifer Hudson got done singing. It was embarrassing to watch. I had to slouch down in my seat a little bit. And lord knows a man of my size struggles just to sit like regular people.
I'm sure I hardly even need to list the downsides of seeing Precious at a black theater, to you racist sacks of sh*t. But I will anyway, for my own personal amusement. First of all, there's the fact that someone's gonna show up 15 minutes after the movie (not the previews, mind you) already began. And it's not just gonna be one person - it's gonna be a church group, who all want to sit together, and they're gonna have the sheer balls to ask someone else, probably you, if you could move down a few seats. And then you know how, any time more than two black women are in the same room it starts to reek of black hair care products. I'd suggest science get to work on afro sheen that doesn't smell like my grandma's funeral, but I think that's part of the appeal for some people. Finally, there's always the outside chance someone will get shot. Precious doesn't necessarily seem like that kind of movie, but lest we forget, last year someone got shot at the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Going to a white theater, as I usually would anyway, would resolve many, if not all of these issues. Only thing is, there wouldn't be that added benefit of people shouting at the screen. White people won't say sh*t during a movie, regardless of what happens on screen. A white man could see his own mother getting rape-raped on film, and he'd save it for the ride home. White people are courteous like that. They might lack any and all concern for human suffering (as long as it's not a dog), but they know better than to ruin another person's filmgoing experience. That's why you don't hear about white women going to jail for 15 years for cutting in line at Wal-Mart.
I've spent enough time watching movies with white people to know that the best way to find out what they thought about a movie is to catch them in the lobby outside the movie, or in the john (nullus), once it's over. Several years ago, I had the hilarious experience of seeing the movie Closer, one of the best movies of all time (of all time!) in a theater with no one but a couple of white people, their young kids, and their elderly parents. As they were exiting the theater, I overheard the mother say that was the worst movie she'd seen in her life. She probably went home and fired off an angry letter to Julia Roberts.
Similarly, I can only imagine how white people will react to Precious. And you know, regardless of what they think about it, they're not gonna tell you. You'd have to catch them right when they're exiting the theater, when they're too offended to maintain their usual sense of decorum. That's a lot of work, just to witness white people express their disgust with black pathological behavior. But the payoff might be worth it. We already know how black people are gonna respond to Precious. Black people would yell at Twilight. Hmm... Maybe I'll watch Precious in a black theater, then drive to a white theater, stand in the lobby and compare and contrast people's facial expressions with that time I saw the Pianist at Plaza Frontenac. Nhjic.
