Denmark, I'd like your advice. There is a phrase that goes, its his side, her side, & the truth...i try my best to let it be the other side & then the truth, meaning that i strive to tell a story as it happend...with that said. I am dating a guy for over a year now. He is a good man from a good family and he i get along fluidly.
However, there is one conversation we have not come to mutual understanding about. it is the only topic we argue about agressively. His family is African & mine is African American. He has 4 brothers & they are all very successful. One of his brothers dates a white woman.
While my man sees her as a nice woman who has only made positive comments about me & loves his brother; for many months, when he & i were alone i periodically made jokes & comments about her race. While he did ask me to stop, I was unaware that my man thought these comments made me seem "phony" & made him feel uncomfortable bringing me around her.
We hang around many black couples & he & i talk openly about the females in the other couples, as far as thier weights, personalities, looks, etc. but he says these comments have no connection and "racial" comments are out of line & that if we dont want our bosses, for example, saying we eat watermelon & chicken etc than we should not make such jokes about her whiteness.
I have tried to document for him historically that when whites talked about blacks in the past it lead to lynching and death and even today criminal charges but when blacks call whites names or make racial comments its a statement of opinion...
Denmark, honestly i am angry. why is her race off limits, i dont have a problem wih her specifically, and have never been rude to her, i even held her hand once! so why the vehement defending of her, & why cant i share my feelings, IN PRIVATE, with my man.
I want to call him an uncle tom. and i dont know why he feels that, because she is nice to him & to me that means he has to defend her, especially to me! I dont want this to come inbetween us, but i feel that it eventually possibly could cause this debate has many underlined meanings, in my opinion. am I wrong?
I don't know if I should, let the argument go, resolve it within me or continue to prove my point?
Denmark Vesey said ...
Hello Anonymous. Welcome to the spot.
DV Advice? Do what your man asked you to do.
Shut up about this woman. Don't speak ill of her. Her race is off limits from this point forward. Flip your script.
Don't say anything bad about her ever again. Be warm to her. Be gracious. Get to know her. Become her friend.
1) Because that is what your man wants you to do.
2) Because that is what your man wants you to do.
3) Your man is right.
4) You don't need to understand why. Just do it.
Having an issue with this woman's "whiteness" ... is not a good look. It makes you look insecure and shallow. By encouraging you not to relate to this woman through a murky fog of dated racial stereotypes your man is encouraging you to grow as a person.
That's part of his job. Let him do it. Stop fighting him. He has excellent judgement.
He is looking out for your long term interest. He is preventing you from being petty.
Your man is no Uncle Tom. He's being very real with you. He's also letting you know that if you can't get over this you can't be his wife.
The Race Victim Narrative is Plantation Negro and needy. Black ... is self-affirming.
Five years from now when you and this woman are good friends ... when your children are first cousins ... you will appreciate his wisdom and vision. He will appreciate your flexibility and growth.
My advice is for you to do that yin thing.
Let him do his yang.