Author Topic: 10 Changes Mark Zuckerberg Really Should Have Made With Facebook  (Read 1101 times)

Offline Reginald Hudlin

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10 Changes Mark Zuckerberg Really Should Have Made With Facebook
« on: September 30, 2011, 04:22:40 am »

10 Changes Mark Zuckerberg Really Should Have Made With Facebook
by The Champ on 09/30/2011
It’s been a couple weeks since Mark Zuckerberg’s seemingly random changes to Facebook left the entire nation in an extended pout. To quote Nat X, I haven’t seen that many white people upset since they canceled M.A.S.H. But, while it seemed like each of the hundreds of millions of Facebook users didn’t hesitate to express their displeasure, I, on the other hand, didn’t think he went far enough.

Here’s a few of the changes I’d enact if I were King Zuck for a day.

1. Extended Options for Relationship Statuses

While “single,” “in a relationship,” “it’s complicated,” and “married” are cool, they’re not descriptive enough to fully cover the myriad types of arrangements we find ourselves in. Wouldn’t it be great if you could actually say things like “Joan Jenkins is just getting unenthusiastic post-clubbing head from Bob Sanders” or “Rachel Sanders has been a virgin since March 26th” or “Craig Smith is a non-motherf*ckin factor in Kim Jones’ life“?

2. Filters for Friends and Family Members with Made up Middle Names

Since you can’t go around deleting and blocking your too-young-acting for 51 aunts and predicate felon cousins, how nice would it be if you could finally put all the people named Joy “BlackBarbieBitches” Williams and Frank “MaybackWang” James on their own separate list so all their bottle poppin, baby-momma drama, and anal rape of the English language can all be in the same place? You can even call it the Ratchet Reader.

3. Status Message Bullsh*t Detectors

Useful for when the next time the “urban socialite” on your friend’s list posts a “Just left Vegas. Next stop, dinner with Drake and Carol-Moseley Braun at the Congressional Black Caucus!” message, Facebook automatically responds with “N*gga, stop playin. You know you just left Bobby’s House of Naturals and Waffles in Youngstown, Ohio and the only reason you’re in D.C. this weekend is to suck John Wall’s d*ck”

4. Real Time Profile Pics

Incorporated whenever someone posts a super flattering picture that just happens to be 12 years old, the Real Time Profile Pic prompt will take details from your page — age, favorite movies, education level, etc — and extrapolate exactly what the person should look like today.

5. The Favorite Thing Aggregate Taste Rate

Instead of having to look through a person’s page to find out their favorite movies, shows, books, etc, there could just be one prompt at the top of the page that says something like “Don’t even bother f*cking looking at that depressing ass list. Their “taste” game is on E, and you should be ashamed that you’re considering dating them because of their profile pic.”

6. A “Dislike” Button

Long overdue, the dislike button would be my single favorite thing about Facebook. Hell, it might even be my single favorite thing about the internet. Seriously, I’d go on disliking sprees at night, trolling people’s pages for pics, messages, and posts to dislike the hell out of.

7. People I Just Don’t Want To Know

I wouldn’t even have to change anything except for the name of the existing People I Should Know sidebar. I mean, if we’re not friends already and we have 79 friends in common, isn’t People Whose Asses I Just Don’t Want To Know a more fitting place for you to be?

8. A Spam Susceptible Alert

Used to alert you to those internet use-deficient people who always manage to either spam your page with Cafe World logos or spread viruses.

9. The Clever Status Message Timer

If you’re a person like me who hates it when he’s thought of what seemed to be a perfectly clever status message, but no one actually replies to it because you posted it at a bad time (Lets just ignore the fact that it just could have been corny as hell too), the Clever Status Message Timer will let you know when’s the best time of the day to post it.

10. A Tag Taser

Easily the most expensive and potentially controversial of my suggestions, the Tag Taser would be a device that jumps out of the monitor and actually hits the people who are reckless with the pic tagging with a police taser. Now, I realize that the technology needed for this hasn’t actually been invented yet, but since we’re not doing the space program thing anymore, who’d have a problem with investing a couple trillion dollars into researching this? I know I wouldn’t.

Anyway, people of, will you help me push to get some of these suggestions in motion? Also, if you were King Zuck for a day, what Facebook changes would you enact?