Magic Wand Sees Avatar in China
Well, two African Americans and a Scot had Friday afternoon off and decided to catch a 3-D matinee of Avatar. The short American had to work late in the afternoon and begged the other two meet her at the cinema closest to her work, but least convenient to the other two. The Scot had been out the night before (until the morning of) and tied-one on, so she wasn’t up for any debating.
Anyway, the three went to the movie, watched and enjoyed (I think). As the lights went up and short American chick removed her 3-D glasses, one of the arms of the glasses broke. When the cleaning crew passed a close-by aisle, she tossed them into the garbage and continued on her way. Departing the auditorium, there was an usher positioned to collect the 3-D glasses. The ginger Scot and the tall American returned theirs, while the short, loud-mouthed American complained that her cheap-ass glasses had broken, so she’d thrown them away.
The obligatory barrage of unintelligible Chinese gibberish ensues as the little usher follows the three out through the maze of corridors that presumably lead toward an exit from the cinema. Fortunately, short loud-mouthed American chick is fluent in Chinese so she returns her own litany of gibberish….annoying her accompanying mates who silently rejoiced at not being directly involved.
The now five of them, two screaming at each other, one yelling into a radio and two others shaking their heads behind, were met at the exit (that emptied them into a mall) by a guy that may or may not have been the manager. The original usher was pretty relieved to see him so she could extract herself from the situation. As she and radio-girl vanished, the alleged manager took up the screaming where the other two had left off.
The four finally made their way to the elevator where two security guys awaited them. The Scot and the tall American were mildly amused, but the shorty that broke the glasses clearly was not. All the two could make out from the screaming was a repetition of the same lines over and over,
“You broke these glasses!”
“So!
F*ck them damn glasses! I gotta go to work!”
(Or something like that.)
Anyway, the now four people plus two, head toward the stairwell, where the Scot isn’t particularly thrilled to have descend seven flights down with her still throbbing hang-over.
Inside the stairwell things escalated and the alleged manager pushed the little American. Tall American immediately intervened by placing her body between the two and delivering her own barrage of unintelligible gibberish to the manager…..at which time two MORE security guards appeared on the stairwell. As tall American tried to reason with the manager that there would be no body-checking, the Scot groaned and lowered herself to comfortable position on the steps to watch the events unfold below her. There was a stand-off, where all of a sudden the tall American chick was at the helm against what was shaping up to be the Crazy 8s! Tall American chick, none too happy about assuming the role of The Bride, donned her East Boogie game face and mentally prepared for whatever might come next.
Shorty American chick, by this time, frothing at the mouth, resumes her cussing in at least two languages, manages to blow by all the security and back into the mall onto the sixth floor….where you guessed it, THREE more security guards were waiting.
One short of a full complement of the Crazy 8s, the Scot and American glanced at each other and without a word, instinctively puffed themselves taller and meaner looking. L’il Bit got herself body-checked AGAIN by another security dude, whereby tall American AGAIN separated the two and pulled L’il Loud Mouth well away from the railing that separated everyone from the atrium below. Encircled by these black-suited dudes, all focused on the foreigners, looking hostile, yet saying nothing. Tall American chick opts for diplomacy and approaches the alleged manager to ask what the hell he wants.
He yells four or five times, “Glasses are broken!”
Then yells it twice in English as though saying it more times and louder each time confirms it to be true.
Scot chick shakes her head, rubs her temples and looks for another place to sit down. She’s a ginger Scot, so tall American silently prayed that red would neither blow up nor throw up, unlike L’il American who was totally spastic at that point.
Tall American repeats herself to the manager, “What do you want?”
Manager finally says, in very clear English, “Wait here for police!”
Without flinching, once again, tall American repeats through gritted teeth, “What. Do. You. Want?”
Manager shouts, “Glasses broken! You must pay 700 renminbi!”
Whereby tall American whips out her cell phone and calls the police herself!
Crazy 8s were a bit shocked and backed up a little when they heard tall American chick summoning the police in damn good Chinese. The obligatory crowd of startled on-lookers had gathered and the stand-off was ON!
Up until then, tall American had been slightly amused by the ranting and such. But when Manager burst out with that crazy ass number, something foul snapped inside her that was ready to take on ALL THEM MUTHA f*ckAS!
So they waited. And waited. And waited.
At least 45 minutes elasped.
By the time the Po Po arrived, Li’l American had managed to sneak out somehow, unbeknownst to any of the rest. Further it was obvious the Po Po clearly didn’t know what to do as tall American chick reasoned that them damned glasses were worth 10 renminbi at BEST!
While the manager, PoPo and the Crazy 8s conferred, American chick back out of the encirclement and bought a couple of soft drinks for herself and the Scot from a nearby concession while waiting for someone to pick up the phone at the American Embassy’s Citizen Services.
American chick explained to Citizen’s Services that she sought advice on what appeared to be a potentially deteriorating situation. Embassy chick begged off that State Department doesn’t get involved in matters of local law.
Crazy 8s turned at the stomp and blast of "WTF?!!!" blurted into tall chick’s cellphone after a full explanation to the American f*ckin’ Embassy!
“So. What. Does. Citizen’s Services. Do?” she enquired, with her very last microgram of calmness.
Embassy chick (singing): We replace lost passports, add pages to passports, ship deceased citizens back to the United States and visit incarcerated Americans.
Pissed-off American chick: So if they kill me or jail me, you got my back….but until then what?
Embassy chick: I’m sorry there is nothing we can do and our office closes in 20 minutes, so please feel free to call back next Tuesday if you have further questions. (It was Friday and the following Monday was the King Holiday)
Pissed-off American chick: Do NOT hang up! Give me your supervisor, director, someone in security or SOMETHING because you clearly do not recognize the gravity of this situation. I am NOT in jail yet. I need some PREVENTIVE action advice, not some wait-til-you’re-already-f*cked-up-bullsh*t!
So Embassy chick put some more sympathetic dude on that basically said, off-the-record (because State Department cannot give legal advice): Pay the money.
Pissed off chick said okay, hung up, explained to Ginger that, “My country doesn’t give a damn until AFTER my ass is kicked.” Red called her contact at the British Embassy.
Same conclusion: “Pay the money!”
American chick explodes:
F*ck that "pay the money" bullsh*t! We all going to jail today bitches! Get the f*cking wagon!
So Scot, tall American, one of the Crazy 8s and three cops piled into the same wagon (no cage by the way) and took that ride downtown to the precinct for the next level of this ridiculous game.
Scottish chick leaned over to the American and was like: I’ll just pay the money to get my life back.
Whereby American chick threatened that if Red reached for her wallet, she was on her own!
The stand-off at the precinct lasted about four hours.
It’s extremely complicated for the Chinese to arrest foreigners because there’s a TON of paperwork and phone calls required. So the two were never actually under arrest, just detained for questioning that NEVER came. The Po Po will hold your passport behind a counter in plain view, then sit you next to a cold ass open door to the street. You can’t jump the counter for your property. But you ain’t leaving without it either. And so the stand-off continues until SOMEBODY breaks down.
Watching the hours tick by and cooling off sufficiently, American chick suggests to Scot chick: Let’s change our strategy, act all remorseful and cry.
Scottish chick ain’t having it and promises not to keep a straight face if the American dropped any tears.
Meanwhile, the lil’ escaped bitch that had caused all the ruckus called the two in the joint:
“Where y’all at?”
“What y’all doin’?”
“Naw, I didn’t even go to work. I was too upset!”
FINALLY, the cinema manager shows up at the station at what was prolly the end of his shift at the cinema. American chick pulled him into a mediation room for a chat (with only one of his Crazy 8s). He reluctantly complied and offered a discount for the broken glasses that SHE hadn’t had a damn thing to do with breaking! She refused the half-off price discount, even though she noticed Ginger shifting a bit as though she was really ready to go. Glancing over at Red, she assured that Pizza Hut delivered and she’d camp out in that station all night before being extorted.
The bargaining continued for another 40-50 minutes, then finally ended with American chick paying 100 renminbi DIRECTLY to the cinema manager. No receipts. No sorries. Just take this money and get outta my face bitch!
Passports were returned and the two were “released”.
All the while, Ginger had been afraid that this could escalate to a deportation, while the American was HOPING for a deportation!
L’il Loud Mouth American ain’t been seen by either jailbird since.
State Department has not heard the last of this!
*700 Rmb= 102USD!